Fraying
by always-kh
Summary: Introspective. The stories get it wrong. they're all a little frayed they have god complexes, guilt, and inferiority issues to spare. Coming home isn't always perfect. Even for heroes. post kh ii.


Disclaimer: FANfiction. do i really need one? If I owned it you'd be seeing it in game. As you aren't draw your own conclusions

Warning: spoilers for khi, II, and COM. but only vaguely for the most part. may not be compliant with the newer games. Also angst.

Setting: post kh II.

Summary: Introspective. The stories get it wrong. they're all a little frayed they have god complexes, guilt, and inferiority issues to spare. Coming home isn't always perfect. Even for heroes.

Characters: Kairi, Sora, Riku, and Namine. Allusions to SoKai. Focus on Kairi for the most part.

...

**Readjustment**

I'm crying, sobbing really, in my cocoon of covers, face muffled in my pillow because nothing makes sense anymore. What happened? Sora's so, so distant now he seems almost unapproachable and I'm never shy but he's so different now and I don't know what to do and he's so important he helped saved the universe and I'm just some dumb girl he had to save and he won't talk about anything! I don't understand! Oh god did I just imagine it all? Am I going crazy? Why can't he just say something? Did I do something? Is-is it my fault? I'm curled up into a ball now and I can't breathe, can't catch my breath, can't think, can't do anything but hurt; it aches. Why does it hurt so much?

What did I do wrong? What can I do? Why can I never do anything but cry? Why can't he even talk to me? What happened to my Sora?

I'm sobbing even harder now because because— I thought he loved me! I did, I really did… and I loved him too! So how could he do this to me? I'm clawing at the blankets and my pillow and I want to scream and shout and rip and hit something, I want to hitpunchkisscry to-at-with Sora maybe all at the same time. Because I'm so so stupid. I waited for him! For that idiot. I worried about him. I did all those stupiddumbclichegirly things when he left: all the bad poetry, the moodiness, the crying, zombie-state, loosing so much weight, everything to the point everyone worried. They put me on suicide watch! Like I would ever do that! Because Sora he, he _promised_ and I thought that meant something! I'm such a mess snot is running down my nose and my eyes sting and I can't see and I can't breathe and everything just hurts and nothing makes sense. It's all so cold now. I thought I was done being useless! Ever since that battle and the rescue and… wait! Naminé!

I jolt upright, taking all the covers with me; I want to sing, dance, and laugh (but instead I just keep hiccupping as my breathing slowed). She was there—_no, is there,_ I correct— too, right? A part of me and we recombined… but I don't feel any different. Mostly. Maybe I could reach her somehow? But how? Maybe like meditation? But I'm already sleepy, my eyes feel so heavy… All that crying I just want to sleep…

Is she really there? I haven't like heard anything or felt anything… shouldn't I have? If she's part of me? Or maybe she isn't anymore? I wonder if she's lonely too?

I turn off of the bed; if I stay on it I might fall asleep like I usually do after a cry like this. The cold of the tile floor wakes me up a bit but now it's seeping through me, I can imagine it going through to my toes, the only source of cold on this island. Because really I shouldn't be this cold, I've dealt with worse with Axel and there was no way that whole nightmare was a dream…

I need to talk to her I just, just need to know!

"Naminé?" I whisper ever so quietly because I don't want to have to explain things to my parents, I don't want to worry them. "You there?"

No answer. It's cold and I wriggle my toes so I can feel them better and sit down against the side of the bed. This might take a while and now I'm even colder as it seeps through my pj bottoms. Hopefully it will help me stay awake that odd pins and needles sort of feeling. Suddenly even that feels like too much effort and I curl up onto the floor and not even the cold can keep me awake. So tired. Is this all even worth it? Why do I even bother?

I wonder if she's still there though. If she can see this pathetic state I'm in. Does she hate me for it? She was so strong! She saved me, rescued me when I couldn't do anything. I was too scared to try because every time I tried to do something I just made things worse!

But no one knows about this whole Other thing, how it works, no one else had recombined except… Sora. Of course. Back before when he'd still talk to me he said sometimes things, feelings, came out of nowhere and everything seemed amplified somehow. I saw him cry over Axel the man who had kidnapped me and been his opponent for so long and… heroic sacrifice or not that didn't explain it all. Roxas. Axel's best friend. The boy Axel did everything to bring back. I can hardly breathe because it fits! I'd resented Axel, hated him for a while, but later on, after his death there had been a lot of gratitude and respect. I'd mourned him. Somewhat. He wasn't an awful guy. Just lost and somehow I'd understood that.

So then chances are that what they say is true… she feels everything I do and I feel all of her feelings too. It's like there's someone else in here sharing my brain even if that someone is supposedly part of me. That… that is a really, really weird feeling. But… but maybe she can help me.

…

I can't do it! It's so hopeless. I'm just useless as always and maybe I was wrong because it feels like there's nothing there and I'm just so scared. And I don't even know what of!

…..

It's been two months and still nothing not a word. No notes. No special messages. No sudden flashes of insight. No knowledge of things I shouldn't know.

I put my head in my hands. Maybe I should give up. Sora is talking to me again. A little. It's awkward still of course. Really soul-crushingly I want to curl into a hole awkward sometimes. But he's here and it's _progress _and I can breathe again and absolutely can't complain even if sometimes he looks at me with strange sad eyes and sometimes he turns away and it hurts. Because I can take the hurt because of the reassurance he's okay he's okay and he's not leaving and things have to get better, they have to.

So maybe I don't need this anymore. Maybe things will get better on their own but that little voice always whispers and maybe they won't and my throat tries to close up and breathing is harder and my heart wants to escape through my throat and my stomach wants to sink through my toes and I feel so heavy. And I won't let that happen! I'll find a way. I'll make things better. I'll do better, be better, more fitting for someone as amazing as Sora.

….

I know what the twinge in Sora's eyes is sometimes. Guilt. And I can't explain it. Why in the world would he feel guilty? Whatever is there to feel guilty about? That I got kidnapped? That was clearly my own stupid fault. But I know it because it matches me too. I get these twinges too. Only sometimes, when I look at him and Riku, and I don't know why. But… Sora's eyes are softer now. His laughter is back. Sometimes it's still a little off when I'm there. Like he forgot how to laugh and that idea doesn't fit Sora at all and I want nothing more than to protect his laughs and his smile because they're precious and should be treasured. And sometimes I resent Riku because he can get real laughs sometimes. Completely free.

Also I'm finally noticing Riku's looks too. It's nothing… weird in that sense it's just I don't know what to make of it. It's almost assessing like I'm a puzzle and he's almost cracked it. And sometimes there's guilt there, sometimes judgment. And I don't know why and I want to ask about it but… I don't have the right. And if things are awkward between Sora and me it's still worse with me and Riku. I want to tell him it's not your fault… or at least 'I don't blame you' but everytime I try the words die in my throat. What if I say something wrong? What if I make things worse? Is it better to ignore it? So instead we sit together and make small talk nothing important, nothing at all about what happened what might happen, no future plans or goals just the silly inconsequential things I don't think any of us care about but we try to we do.

…

Sora's doing that thing where he tries to push everyone away and brood again. He's snappy and angry and secretive.

And I still haven't made any progress. I'm taking meditative training and everything (I thought at the very least they would help stop all the nightmares I've been having lately; it wasn't even done that. Maybe I've just seen too much now to not be at least a little scared?). I even looked into some of those weird spiritualist things. I want to talk to Sora about this and so many other things (about what happened, how he's doing, how he's feeling, about Roxas, about the nightmares— does he have them too?—, about how much I love him), but I can't.

I'm still finding it so hard to look him in the eye sometimes when I can't measure up to him at all. He's so good, he saved worlds, he rescued me; I literally got my silly heart stolen, I can't even do this simple simple thing, and I definitely don't feel very good. I feel so angry sometimes. Selphie and I got into our first really big fight the other day and it was all my fault. And she doesn't know about everything that happened. No one on the island does but me Sora and Riku and I don't understand it, I don't see how it's possible: _the whole freaking island got swallowed up by darkness! What happened to everyone? It was a long long time!_ but it is.

Both of the boys grew up and changed so much too and I don't think I did and I don't like either of those ideas. Sora's face is meant to smile and be carefree. And Riku was always and already too much like an adult and so much wiser but quicker to anger, if you knew which buttons to push at least, than us. Or well at least Sora. Riku and I got into our fair share of shouting matches sometimes.

But now he's got his temper much more under control but somehow he's that much more scary. Don't get me wrong I know he'd never hurt me, in fact I'm pretty sure he'd do anything for me and Sora. But that's scary too because I really do think he'd do anything no matter what to protect us. And he wouldn't care about the cost to him, wouldn't care if we hated him for it. And that's a scary power to have over someone and I don't want it!

…..

I think Sora's realized it too, about Riku I mean. They've been fighting for a while because Riku hasn't been afraid to confront Sora about how he's pushing us away. And Sora just looks torn and sad and so much like a kicked puppy I want to cry and just cling onto Riku until he calms down and tell them to stop this! But I can't because he's right.

But Sora mentioned Riku's darkness and we all froze. That, that, that's taboo right? My brain is stuttering and screaming on red alert because how could he just say that? And Riku's stiff as a board and he's gone all cold and I have chills.

"I chose a different way. Sorry I'm not as perfect as you but when did that ever give you an excuse to ditch your friends?" the anger and frustration was scathing even though, or maybe because, the response was so perfectly measured. Perfectly controlled, perfectly blank, perfectly chosen. The anger was there you could feel it, but you couldn't see it, his voice wasn't raised, he didn't hiss it. It left you to wonder what would happen if it all broke what would you see?

"Th-that's right! I heard from the king you choose something different Riku. He was impressed," I babbled, trying to defuse things while I really really wanted to cry or run or something besides standing here because Sora was scary too and I couldn't, couldn't lose my best friends. I refused. So I smiled at them and I promised that this time I'd go anywhere with them.

Only they both answered with vehement "No's." How was it that even when fighting they could both agree on that?

"Is this some stupid protective boy thing because I'm a girl? So it's fine if you two go gallivanting across the multiverse but I can't? Why not? What makes me any different? It's not like you knew what you were doing at first either! And I'd have help! I'd have your help. I don't see a problem."

"It's not that Kairi! Really. It's just… what if something happened to you? Neither of us could deal with that."

I glared. At Sora! "What about me! I feel the same. I hate it when you guys leave and I have no idea what's going on!"

They exchanged a helpless look between them but while they looked slightly stricken by my words they didn't seem to regret their words or actions. _They really do think I'm useless!_

…

I didn't talk to them for the next few days. It wasn't all out of resentment. Though most was. I also completely immersed myself in trying to contact my Other. Weird as that sounded. And though I had nooooo idea how to do it. Verbally? Mentally? Visually? With emotions? What would get through to her?

It was irritating and I was obviously stupid. I'd been so happy to learn that I was a princess of heart. I'd thought it made me special. Boy was I wrong… Why couldn't I be useful and brave instead of a burden to my friends?

I cried and, much as I'm ashamed to admit it, wallowed in self-pity for a while more. And as is usually the case it accomplished nothing but worrying my friends.

But it came to me that if I felt this strongly about my friends and my desire to do something… wouldn't Naminé too? For her friends?

So I thought about Roxas. I talked about Roxas. I imagined Roxas. Asked how he was doing. And nothing. I went back to Axel and there was definitely something there, sorrow, a lot of it, and grudging respect among a few other convoluted things but… those could be my own emotions because he did just want to see his friend and died to save Sora and me and the others. There were quite a few pangs with these thoughts though. _Would you like to do some kind of ceremony for him or something? See if Roxas is still there? Ask Sora about that?_

My gut was twisted in knots at all these thoughts. I'd struck a nerve with something.

_Will you stay with me?_

I was in shock because that idea was definitely not mine. It worked? I think it worked! _Yeah, I will. I really don't think I can go anyway…_

I felt a flood of relief and something like a smile at that. Definitely working.

_Why do you cry and care so much for your friends? You… fear them being taken from you?_

_More than anything!_

_ Is it loneliness?_

_ A little bit maybe? But there's more to it that that… Do you know what loneliness is like?_

_ …Yes I am rather familiar with it myself. That and fear. And maybe hope._

_ That's terrible! So sad!_

_Nobodies don't see feel or experience emotions in the same way as humans. At most it's like shadows of emotions you've felt before. It's easy to shut out if you wish to. Rejoining with you has been… difficult for me because of that._

_ Oh oh I'm sorry for that!_

_ It's alright. The heart it's… quite something. And you're the only one I can communicate with now. You're actually quite strong. All those emotions. I couldn't handle it. I shut down for a while. I didn't want to see anything you saw for a while. _

_ Will you help me?_

_ …Yes but I may also end up asking you a favor too later. I'm fading you see…_

_..._... _

_A/N: So if you like this piece you will like Wrong. I'm currently working on it but I won't have much time till summer but I will work on and develop these dynamics and characters and their problems. It might take a while to get to the true action but it will have psychological stuff. And explain and subvert things and have a few twists. _

_ A lot of the themes and ideas from these piece will show up in a more expanded form in that piece. You'll see broken people who angst and make mistakes and fight and hurt. And still fight anyway to protect each other and continue. And I will make kairi less useless in cannon and explain namine's... peculiarities as i see them. And i will focus on the major and minor characters (mostly the hb gang for minor characters but the king and ansem and others will of course appear). :)_

Also Sora_ may seem ooc. If so I am sorry but I personally think i have logical reasons for portraying him this way and I will explain them in Wrong though the level of angst will be less for the most part. I can't write all angst and it doesn't suit sora long term.  
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